Rule of Life…for families!

As a parent of 4, I’m increasingly finding our schedule fuller as the children age. The older two are firmly into their teenage years, which means parties and social events galore – most of which are well into the evening with late-night collections, rather than a tidy 2-4 on a Saturday afternoon! This is in addition to the usual clubs, sporting events and rehearsals that all our children are involved in. The taxi from Mum & Dad firm is well and truly open in our household!

So, as we begin this new series considering how we can set ourselves a Rule of Life, what does this mean for families? A Rule of Life is a set of rhythms that help us create space to become like Jesus and focus on His priorities for our lives. A rule of life points us in the right way, supports us on the journey, and gives support so that we can grow the right way and be fruitful. It takes seriously the sense that we live best in healthy rhythms, rather than in chaos. It definitely sounds like something my family would benefit from adopting.

It does not really matter what age your children are, or how many you have – the reality is that as parents, we want our children to live lives to the fullest, to be fruitful and to experience as much as possible of what is available to them.

So, how do we navigate a Rule of Life that serves the needs of our whole families, and not just us as individuals?

Here are three simple principles that we may find helpful as we consider our Rule of Life – each family situation will look different, and it’s up to you to work together with God in creating a rhythm that works for you.

Prioritise Jesus

The most important investment in our children’s life is to nurture their relationship with Jesus. Of course, it’ll be over to them at some point to choose whether they follow Him themselves - but we should give them every opportunity as they are growing up to see the importance of Him in our lives – modelling our personal relationship with Jesus and making Him a priority in our lives is the first step in this. We know children learn largely through what they observe!

What that looks like will differ from family to family – but perhaps it means attending church more regularly, perhaps it means allowing them to see you in your personal devotion time with the Lord, or maybe it is taking time for discipleship in the home. Cultivate a family culture where Jesus is the first person you turn to in your home, whether to express thanks or in times of need - asking Him to intervene with worries about school or friendships. Make Him as much a part of your family as anyone who physically lives in your home! Ask your children questions that help them form their own relationship with Jesus. The Parenting for Faith course has great pointers to help parents in the discipleship of their children. There is no end of helpful resources out there, but we have recently enjoyed the Lectio for Families app, particularly for our younger children (it’s great for children around 7-11).

Let your children see that your personal rhythm gives space for Jesus first, let them see and hear the benefit that relationship with Him brings you – and we will pray that they want to find out more about Him for themselves.

Let your yes be yes and your no be no!

Decide as parents what are your non-negotiables, and where there is flex. What are your priorities as a family? Children’s schedules can throw many last-minute changes, or there are some things we will simply say No to, because they don’t align with our family values, needs or schedule. Saying No at times feels awkward, unfair even – there can be a cost to saying No. But often our No is based in practicalities, or perhaps to protect our children, our family time, or even our own mental health as parents. Emotionally healthy parents stand a much better chance of raising emotionally healthy children. God sometimes says No to me, and that’s ok. He knows what I need better than I know myself! Think of one of those tins of Quality Street at Christmas – would you let your child eat a whole tin in one sitting? No, of course not. Everything in that tin would bring them joy, but eating them all at once is not a healthy option for them. It’s ok to say No!

Similarly – what do you say Yes to? In our family, one of the things we say yes to is seizing opportunities for adventures and exploring, especially if it is wrapped up with quality family time. If I want to nurture my children’s relationships with Jesus, I need to first nurture mine with Him - and then mine with my children. These things don’t have to come at a financial cost - it can be exploring a new place together, staying up later than usual to watch a movie, having a family sleepover in the lounge, or getting up earlier to watch the sunrise. Finding things that we delight in together is key to us finding rest as a family. We also have said Yes many times to our children doing their own pursuits – sports, drama, music etc. Before a Yes is decided upon, we need to consider the potential practicalities, compromises and adjustments to accommodate the needs of the whole family.

Be intentional

With the growing needs of our family, we have recently scheduled family meetings, where we all take ownership of chores and our own schedules – it’s really helping to restore some balance. Your children may be too young to be a part of this conversation, but there are small things you can do to help them take ownership of their actions even from toddler years. We are also trying to be more intentional around Prioritising Jesus, and around deciding whether we are saying No or Yes to something!

Many of you reading this arrive early on a Sunday morning to serve and prepare the church for the day ahead. This sometimes comes with a bit of moaning from our children, who would prefer to lay in and come a little bit later on! We compromise and have some weeks where they can sleep in until the last minute – but we also talk and include them in the conversations around the fact that church helps people meet with Jesus – we tell them we ‘get to’ be a part of this, rather than ‘have to’. Simple reframing helps them to understand the privilege we have in our roles. This can be applied to whatever role we do in life. If you must travel for your job, or work shift hours – tell them you ‘get to’ do this. If you are running errands – you ‘get to’ do this. Model to your children the privilege to work and use the body and mind God has given you to bless others. Being intentional in the language we use with our children is helpful.

Prioritising our own personal time with Jesus will look different in different seasons of parenthood. It’s rarely possible for me to have a 24-hour period of sabbath for just me & Jesus, for example! I may lay down ‘work’ on a Saturday - but standing on the sidelines of a sporting game on a Saturday morning in the cold and rain, is not my ideal way to rest. However I then reframe my own thinking and remember I delight in my children, we have said Yes to this….and I ‘get to’ do this. There are times however when I need to be more intentional in seeking out ways to spend time with Jesus. What works for you daily, weekly, monthly, and occasionally – will differ from person to person and family to family.

I am still learning in this area – but I know that if I’m not intentional with my schedule, my life – and that of my family – will easily be filled with things that are not a priority for us.

I know that I want to seek out a Rule of Life that honours God for myself, and for my own family. To find a rhythm that means we are attentive to God, people, work and rest - that suits the needs of our whole family. What I have written here are some very simple ideas that on our best days, help us in this. There are many days that are messy and where we do not live up to our very best. But we keep striving to live a better life with Jesus.

Romans 12:1-2 “So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going to work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you and develops well-formed maturity in you.”

Or, if I may paraphrase…take your kid’s homework, the taxi service, the family days out, your job, the elderly relative you are supporting, the wiping down the kitchen worktops, the waking up to feed your baby….and offer it all to Him